So, yeah ... I'm scared ... what of it?

I must confess. I'm a big baby. No pain tolerance whatsoever, and I fear everything that might go wrong.

Having said that, I have to say that I feel almost guilty for wanting a hospital delivery, with my OB, plenty of pain meds, and if possible, I'd like to elect to have a c-section. I know, I know. You don't hear that much. But I'm cooking a big punkin in here, and I'm afraid of delivery. In fact, if it was at all possible, I'd rather be knocked completely out, and woken up after the baby arrives.

So, you're probably thinking... "what kind of mother will she make?" Well, hopefully, the very best I can be. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm scared, I hate pain, and I could never, EVER deliver without something to take the pain away. Or at least the promise of something that will come pretty darn close. In fact, I'm thinking that all the surgeries, procedures, and needle poking-prodding I've had up till now, wont even come CLOSE to the pain I'll experience in labor and delivery. Okay... I've scared myself all over again.

I really admire the women that elect to have a completely natural birth, whether it's at the hospital, or at home, in a pool, or in a bed. I wish I was that strong. Really, I do. And I hate hearing my peppy "the glass is half full" husband say, "honey, hundreds of women give birth every day, and if they can do it, so can you." What does he know? Evidently, he doesn't know my threshold of pain... and folks, it's low. Very low. Actually, he does, but he thinks that playing cheerleader will help. It doesn't.

So I've been walking around basically afraid of sharing my view points on labor and delivery, because I'm afraid of becoming an outcast ... or looked upon as a freak. But in reality, I'm finding so many women thinking the exact same sentiment when they are asked to share their feelings on natural births, doulas, midwives, etc. I am shocked! I shouldn't be, but I am! I thought I was in the minority, but it appears that many more women have the same fear of judgment as I do.

So for what it's worth, I'm jealous that I can't be as strong as my fellow sisters delivering children under water, or just laboring in water and delivering without pain meds, having babies at home, and/or birthing centers, and placing all their faith in midwives.

I, on the other hand, will rely totally on my OB (who did save my life on the operating table after an emergency surgery...so I have total faith in the man). I will ask for anything to mask the pain. And, I will beg for a c-section... Why, you might ask? Well, allow me to share my reasons:

First of all, as I said earlier, I'm going to have a big baby. BIG. And I just shake in horror at the thought of this child's huge head coming out from, well ... "down there." Let alone it's shoulders. Oh, my!

Next, I have a slightly enlarged heart (mild cardiomyopathy), and I again... am afraid of the complications that may come on, or the stress that having a vaginal delivery and pushing may bring on.

Now... moving on to my three bulging discs and degenerative disc disease -- Basically... I'm afraid of getting nerve damage from the epidural, and/or further damage from pushing, and from the general pressure in that area that would come with delivering an almost 10 pound baby.

Then, there's always the already positive group b-strep test I have had way back in my 12th week when I had a bad bladder infection. Ah, yes.. GBS. So, knowing ahead of time that I have tested positive for, and am colonized (meaning I am a carrier) with group B-strep is rather unnerving, in itself... not for me, but for the baby, and the risks that the baby is exposed to.

Of course, I also have Gestational Diabetes, but I don't think this will bother the labor and delivery part much.

Finally, I have Pubic symphysis separation ... it hurts. A lot. Especially when I'm lying down, or trying to walk after sitting for a while ... so while I don't know how this will play into delivery, I can only imagine that it might just hurt ... a little ... who knows. Also, because my pelvis has started to move and loosen, my hips keep sliding out of location. Really nice. Feels just great.

As you can see, I have many things mounting up against me, causing a lot of fear of labor and delivery to build up. Not to mention, things that may stress the baby. Of course, my ultimate goal is to have a healthy baby, sit just brings a certain level of comfort to me that there is an incredible nic unit in my hospital of choice, excellent doctors and nurses, top notch monitors, bells and whistles, and medicine and pain killers that would be readily available, which, of course, are not as readily available in my own home.

As with everything, I am trying to prepare myself and know all the different scenarios I can possibly expect to happen, but I'm not going in thinking that I'll have an easy time of it. No, I just wouldn't be that lucky.

Along these lines... you know what really irritates me? Is that everyone feels they have the "right" (women and men) to give me their two cents about c-sections. As if I didn't know that having a c-section would be painful. As if I didn't know having a c-section would require a longer healing time. As if I didn't know the risks that having a c-sections presents to both me and the baby. As if having or wanting a c-section was the most absolute worst thing ever, placing me right at the top of the bad mother list.

First of all, if you're a man, and you've never had a c-section, or delivered a 10 pound child, then... you can just ZIP it. Second of all, no one, and I mean no-one, could possibly know what's best for me and my child with the exception of ... uh ... oh, yeah ... ME. And my OB. And my husband. So I'm thinking that your unwanted and unsolicited advice is just going to fall of deaf ears ... so again ... you can just ZIP it. I mean, really... c'mon ... do you think I WANT more pain than what is necessary? (read first paragraph again) If I did, I could just beg the hemorrhoid fairy to come and visit me on a regular basis.

Are you sensing my frustrations?