Tuesday, August 31, 2004

How will I handle the Bad?

This is a serious blog ... not a funny one. It delvs into my spiritual side and is a reflection on how I handle grief and dipsair. If you are not a spiritual person, then you may want to skip this blog. If you are a person questioning your spirituallity, or wondering how other people handle grief ... then by all means ... read on.

It's not a matter of why God would allow something bad to happen to me ... but rather, I believe that it's a matter of how will I handle the bad that has happened to me with God's help? God doesn't send bad things our way. But, once they do come our way, how exactly is it that we handle the bad? Below is the 23rd Psalm, and following it, is my personal interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ... it's how I feel after having experienced my 4th lost pregnancy these past two weeks.

The 23rd psalm of David.....

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.


A personal interpretation of the 23rd Psalm after my 4th lost pregnancy ...

Even though the Lord is my shepherd, I'm still in want. I'm trying to want only Him, but I want a family so bad it hurts. But I know if I turn to Him, He will take my wants away from me and help me focus on Him. I know he makes me lie down in green pastures, and I'm thankful he leads me beside quiet waters and restores my soul, because without Him, I think I would loose my mind and be lost forever.

I try to stay on the paths of righteousness for his name's sake, because I know that I'm going to need him when I'm walking through that valley of the shadow of death. Every reaction I have is played out in front of others, and they stretch and strain to see any signs of me walking away from the Lord. There is evil all around me, and it waits to jump in and cast doubt and anger, but I know He's with me, and when I'm afraid and anxious for the pregnancies I've lost in my life, the many disappointments I've ever experienced, and even when I'm anxious for the safety of my future pregnancies, He comforts me. He gives me a calming sense of peace. I know that with Him, I can go on.

Thankfully, He prepares a table for me when I'm in the presence of my enemies. For, without gathering the strength he offers me at his overflowing table, surely I would fold. Time and time again, he blesses me. He blesses me so much, I become overwhelmed. I know his love and goodness will always be with me, all the days of my life. Not only will I dwell in the house of the Lord forever, but so will all the children I've lost throughout the years, and all the children that I will hold in my arms in the future.

Thank God I have His strength, love, and compassion. Without it, I would have been a hopeless case, but because of it, I know that I can make it through this, no matter how bad it gets. He gives me the strength and courage to face the next step ...


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